Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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