my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
