You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
