I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
