erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
