pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
