glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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