i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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