I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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