She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
