Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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