i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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