Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
