First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.