Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!