never play flip cup with pint glasses
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months