We're like a lot better than the average bears
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction