When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
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I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.