You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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