After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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