don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
