Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
