I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
