Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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