After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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