i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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