she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
