I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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