Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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