I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
