xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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