I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
