I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
