You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
