you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Green mimosas i think yes
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
