I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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