when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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