high people should be assigned attendants
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
