It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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