I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
