Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
