His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
