Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
