Joe is yelling at the trees again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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