i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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