Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
