They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
