Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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