I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We are two peas in an std pod
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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