Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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