My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
