his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
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I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
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Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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