He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
