you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
