I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
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