I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
