My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
