mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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