Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
