i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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