so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
